Batman Vs. Superman: Retaliation
by Rogue Knight1
Summary: The true culprit behind the prank war is revealed, and revenge is taken.


Ra's al Ghul whistled a cheery tune as he supervised his henchmen in their escavation of his future throne room from the subterranean cavern. He had finally done it. At last, world domination was in his grasp. True, he did have to share his prize with that cue-ball-headed megalomaniac, but he was confident that Luthor would be a minor inconvenience at best. Even if nothing else, he could always outlive the man. The Lazarus pits were a huge edge. And the Detective had been kept from meddling. It was almost a shame really, not being able to match wits with the Detective this one last time, but he could focus on the long term. He tried to supress the maniacal laughter, but in the end he decided to just let it out. After all, his therapist had told him to express his feelings more often, right before the man had been ordered flayed alive. Now THAT had been fun.  
  
His ruminations were interrupted by a throat-clearing noise from behind. Turning, he saw the Detective, looking bigger and meaner than ever, with an unconscious Ubu lying on the ground behind him. "It's over." Batman said in an even deeper, more gravelly voice than usual.  
  
"Ah, the Detective. I was just thinking how much I missed our customary battle of wits."  
  
"So you want to follow the usual pattern. You come up with a screwy world domination plan, I show up to stop you, and we end up fighting it out in hand to hand combat, and I blow up your secret base while you escape. Is that it?" Ra's nodded.  
  
"We discovered your plan. How you and Lex Luthor combined your resources to develop nanites, micro-robots designed to infiltrate our bodies on a cell-by-cell basis, take over our minds gradually, and make us waste our energy fighting each other before ultimately self-destructing. STAR Labs managed to remove the nanite colonies, and we're back to normal."  
  
Ra's al Ghul let the maniacal laughter out again. His late therapist was right, it did make him feel better. "You're too late to stop us, Detective! Hahahahahaaahhhahhaahaha!"  
  
"That would be true...If I were really Batman." The superhero grabbed his costume-front and tore it open, revealing a bright red S.  
  
"Oh crap." Said Ra's al Ghul.  
  
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)  
  
Lex Luthor leaned back in his chair, cranking up the volume on the surround-sound speakers he'd had built into his private office, and letting the Spice Girls' latest album rattle the windows. Victory was his at last. Even if he had to share his rightful empire with that whacked-out immortal nut for a while, it was worth it. An army of robot supercommandos was already being constructed in secret, countless geologists sought out Lazarus pits throughout the world, and plans for an android Ubu replacement, programmed to assassinate, were already underway. Life was good. He started singing along with his particular favorite song, when he was disturbed by the sound of glass shattering. He rotated his chair, and found himself sitting in front of Batman.  
  
"How are you feeling, caped crusader?" He asked cheerfully.  
  
"Better, since removing your nanite toys."  
  
That could be a problem. Better deal with this quickly. "You can't stop me, Batman. In five minutes, I go out for a press conference, in which I will tell the world that I've discovered a disease spreading among the metahuman population, driving them violently insane before killing them. The private war you and Superman have been having is the perfect evidence in my favor."  
  
"We've been cured, and we can prove that we were infected deliberately."  
  
"But even if you do, you can't prove I had anything to do with it. Go ahead! All you'll do is ruin Ra's al Ghul's day."  
  
"That's already been taken care of." Batman suddenly leapt forward, seized Luthor in a firm neck hold, and attempted to administer some serious noogies. No luck. The evil genius had waxed his scalp in preparation for his TV appearance, and the kevlar gauntlet could find no purchase.  
  
"Done yet, Batman? I do have a press conference to attend."  
  
Batman let go of his neck, and tried a new tactic. Going for the wedgie of doom, he made a grab for the back waist of Luthor's underwear. He let go a yell of frustrated rage. The megalomaniacal plotter went commando style, and there was nothing to wedgie!  
  
Batman heaved a mighty sigh of frustration. "All right, Luthor. Go on to your press conference!" He grabbed the billionaire by the back of his belt, and hurled him through the office door.  
  
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)  
  
For the fiftieth time that day, Batman rewound the tape of Luthor's conference, and watched it again.  
  
"Friends, countrymen, and neighbors of the global community," he began, "I have recently discovered a grave new threat to the-" there was an almost inaudible popping sound, and Lex Luthor's pants dropped down around his ankles. The editors did their best to shield those watching the live broadcast, but they were too late by a split-second. It suddenly became evident to Superman why Luthor was so driven to rule the world.   
  
"I guess he's been compensating, all this time." He mused.  
  
Batman nodded assent. "He should have paid more attention to Yoda: 'Size matters not!'" Superman started laughing at Batman's perfect Frank Oz impression, and ended by toppling off the couch when Batman played the clip again.  
  
"One thing still puzzles me." He said as he got up again. "How exactly did you manage to rig his pants?"  
  
"Simple. I noticed that he'd lost a little weight recently, so his tailored suit didn't fit so well. When I threw him out of his office, I attached a little device I've been working on. It's a loop of microfilament hooked up to a compressive imploder. When I set it off by remote control, the implosion tightened the wire, severed his belt, and dropped his pants."  
  
"Brilliant!" Said Superman. The two of them exchanged high fives, and watched the clip again.  
  
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)  
  
Batman walked back into the cave, tired after a good day's work. He went to the Bat-computer, sat in his favorite Bat-chair, and prepared to go over some files he was working on. What he saw on the screen when he booted up, however, stopped him short.  
  
It was a message. "Dear Batman, couldn't let you have the last laugh. Prepare for a sticky situation. Oh, by the way, I installed Windows on your computer. S"  
  
Howling in rage, Batman leapt up, so incensed about the desecration of his beloved computer that he forgot about the first part of the message. He was reminded when the immense tub of near-boiling industrial adhesive dropped on him.  
  
"KAL-EL!" Some things would never change.  
  
The End 


End file.
